So, something happened on Rickson’s first birthday. For so long I have felt torn. I feel such loyalty and love for Elina. I feel such sadness and longing for her. I think of her so many times each day that I can’t even keep count. These are feelings that have never lessened and never will. These are the emotions that keep me close to her despite the 7000 miles of physical distance. But with that also came the challenge of finding a middle ground. How could I be so happy when she might be sad? How much of Rickson was lost in all that emotion?

As we were nearing his birthday and the days were getting closer and closer I thought of Elina more and more. I wondered if she was sad. How was she handling him being so far away? Was she okay? I just couldn’t imagine. As I talked to my friend in the Marshall Islands I was able to ask about Elina. How was she…really? Really, she asked? She is fine. She is so happy. His birthday is coming and she is excited. She is not sad. Not at all. She is happy he is with you.

Wow. What an enlightening moment. I finally really “got it”. Maybe it has to do with culture. Maybe it has to do with circumstance. But she is okay. I finally understood. SHE IS OKAY. And you know what? That means I can be too. As his birthday approached I felt a weight released. He is mine. He is my child. I love this little baby boy more than I ever could have imagined. And his birthmother? I love her just as much. Happy birthday baby Rickson. And Elina…thank you….

Meeting Marie...

One thing all adoptive parents will wonder when traveling to the RMI is will we meet the birth father?? Of course this question lingered in my thoughts as I met Elina and her children, but I wasn’t ready to ask about him, yet. After all, this is a maternal society and he might be in the picture and I just didn’t know about it. When the time was right I would ask.

Shortly after the adoption Elina gave me Rickson’s vaccination record. It was a small, yellow, water damaged piece of paper. On the front of the sheet it had two lines. One said mother and had Elina’s name. The other line said father and had one simple name… Marie. The name Marie was crossed out. I took the record and examined it back at the hotel. Did it really say Marie or was I reading it wrong? Had the water damage blurred the words and it was really a man’s name like Marty? Or could it be Marlin or Martin? Another adoptive mom and I studied it together. No, it was really Marie. Probably just another woman’s name from the hospital that had been crossed out and the form reused for Elina.

I really didn’t think about it again until a few days later when I went to Elina’s house. Chase and I got out of the car and walked up to her property. The door to her house was open and I watched a man inside making doughnuts. Upon seeing me, this man stepped halfway out of the door, keeping one eye on his cooking and the other on me. He had a cooking utensil in one hand and held his free hand out to me. Then with a giant Marshallese smile he said “Hi, I am Marie” (pronounced Maury - as in Povich).

He looked just like Rickson…

The Beautiful Flag of the Marshall Islands and what it Represents

The deep blue background represents the Pacific Ocean.

The white and orange bands represent the Ratak (Sunrise) and Ralik (Sunset) chains, respectively.

The customary symbolism of orange as the color of bravery and white as the color of peace are also recognized.

The star represents the cross of Christianity, with each of the 24 points signifying a municipal district of the RMI.

The four main points represent the major centers of Majuro, Kwajalein, Jaluit and Wotje.

Is that you, Elina??

Today as I was working and standing in the hospital Operating Room, my phone rang. Expecting it to be a work call, I casually answered the phone. You can only imagine my surprise when on the other end I hear my name drawn out “Laurie (sweetly pronounced with a Marshallese accent) I miss you…Laurie”. I shouted, “is that you, Elina??” And it was. Oh, sweet Elina. Thank you for somehow finding my cell phone number, for calling me at two in the morning your time, for finding a phone to use and calling me from across the world. I couldn’t have imagined a more perfect day…

The Raw Emotions of a Six Year Old...

I guess you had to be there to understand. I guess you had to experience it firsthand to understand how it changes you… We have been home now for 2 ½ months. Tonight we decided to watch our DVD that I put together with all our photographs. Halfway into the video I heard sobbing coming from the floor. Chase was face down covering his eyes and sobbing. I picked him up and held him and asked him what was wrong. He said he misses them… He misses the Marshall Islands. It really affected him, too. That place, the people, the experience…it will never leave us. I love my oldest son and I love his tender heart.

Family History

Last night we were able to Skype with Elina and Kim. While we were talking Rickson fell asleep in my arms. I asked Elina if she was able to see that he was sucking his thumb. He has really taken to this and we don't even need a pacifier anymore. She laughed and said that she sucked her thumb, too. After some clarification due to the language barrier, we all laughed when we realized she meant she HAD sucked her thumb when she WAS a baby... she doesn't suck her thumb now. As we were talking Alia (the three year old) fell asleep in Elina's arms just as Rickson had done with me. She was sucking her thumb. I can't wait to tell him he sucks his thumb just like his birth mother and youngest sister, too!

We also talked about how he is such a happy baby all the time. He is always smiling and laughing and doesn't cry much at all. I asked Elina if the four older children had been like this, too. She said that Alia was very happy as baby, but Nickson (the oldest) is just like Rickson. (Maybe it has to do with the rhyming names). This made me smile because of all the kids, Rickson just melted my heart every time he smiled. When he smiled his face lit up all those around him. I will never forget that smile. And now, I have a reminder of it every time Rickson smiles. I now know where he gets it. I can't wait to tell him one day that he smiles just like his oldest brother. I imagine he will grow to have a similar demeanor, too. I love finding out the details... How blessed we are to have a family history!

Life goes on...

As the days have turned into weeks I find myself falling back into a routine. I am feeling less overwhelmed by walking into Target and seeing all the choices. I do not feel as guilty when I think about buying a picture frame for Rickson’s room or tell someone about how I like the paint color we picked for his nursery. I realize this is okay. When I first returned I had so much guilt for the things we are able to do here in America. For thinking about decorating rooms when they only have plywood walls.

But my life must goes on, and so must their’s…just in a very different way. I am adjusting back to the American way, while they continue in poverty. I stay in touch and find out that they went for three days last week without food. Elina could not feed her family. On the fourth day they finally were given some rice from a neighbor. I continue to smile and see friends and family and enjoy our time together, but I have a sadness in my heart that I keep to myself. How is it that they are starving? That I am over 7,000 miles away and can offer little help? That I go to the grocery and buy whatever I desire when they are longing for a spoonful of rice? So I can help, I can send money and I do. But how is that ever enough? The oldest son can rarely go to school because they struggle to find money for the bus fair. They cannot afford the school lunch program so he never eats when he does make it to school. There is no hope for so many in the Marshall Islands. Their story is not the exception, but the rule.

Please pray for them, this family that I love…