You are loved...

Why do the emotions continue to hit me at unexpected moments?  Tonight I am so overcome while holding little Alani and looking in her eyes.  She is so perfect, so sweet, so innocent.  I have only known her for two weeks, yet I cannot imagine my life without her.  Two weeks ago tonight we had the car almost packed and were beginning our race down to Arkansas.  Two weeks ago tonight little Alani came into the world.  So many people have asked me if we had wished we had made it in time for her birth?  Were we sad that we weren’t there since she came so early and so fast?  And my answer has always been, no…  As much as I wanted to be there to witness her first breath and first cry, it was also something I wanted Andy and Lani to have as their own.  As we sat in the car for 13 hours, they had 13 hours of precious firsts… and lasts with their daughter.  The first breath, the first cry, the first kiss, first feeding.  They got to feel her baby soft skin and hold her in their arms.  And they go to do this on their own.  My time would come.  I would have these firsts, but it only seems fair that they have as much time with her as they could.  Because, you see, these firsts were also their lasts.  The last time they would hold her in their arms as their own.  The last time they would whisper in her ear and privately tell her how much they loved her.

With adoption comes this sadness.  But it also brings with it more love than I ever could have fathomed.  As look at my two-week-old daughter and wonder what I will tell her when she asks why her birthparents couldn’t keep her, I think about what I know I can say.  I can say how much they loved her.  She has more love in her life than many people will ever know.  So as I watch her in my arms as she turns two weeks old, I think of the love of adoptive parents who wanted her and dreamed of her and prayed for her.  And the love of birthparents that loved her so much they gave her this life…

Goodbyes...

I can only imagine the scene to the onlookers. I didn't think of it in the moment, only after we said our goodbyes and I noticed the lady in the hotel breakfast area crying. Andy, Lani and the kids came to the hotel this morning to say goodbye and bring us a few more handicrafts, necklaces and flowers for our hair. We sat in the breakfast/lobby area and visited with each other one last time. It was Sunday morning after the Arkansas football game, so the hotel was sold out and the Razorback fans were out in full force having their breakfast. The area was full of people and we occupied a little corner with our family. The kids played together and laughed. Andy held Alani and I, of course, took pictures. My cousin, Becky, had given me the most beautiful framed poem about adoption and two mothers. I presented this to Andy as our goodbye gift from my cousin. I told her that I had the same one at my house and that Alani would always have two mamas. She said WOW.... which is their favorite expression when they truly love something. It made my heart happy.




Then it was time to say goodbye. Andy and Lani said they would go now. They were heading to church. Andy handed Alani to me and just smiled her sweet smile at me. We gave hugs all around. Little Jun Jun let me hold him. I also got some great pictures of him with Alani. The two of them look so much alike. Hugs for Lani and for sweet Janet whom I adore. Tender moments of Lani holding Rickson and hugging him goodbye. It was all sweet and happy. We then walked them out to their car. They piled in and were all smiles. There they were once again, arms waving out the open windows of the car. The five of us stood on the sidewalk waving as big as we could. Rickson shouted by to each one of the family by their name.



This goodbye was much different than when we said goodbye to Elina. Maybe it is because we know we will see them again sometime soon. We can drive to Arkansas on a few tanks of gas. The plane tickets to the Marshall Islands make trips few and far between. Maybe it was because the head uncles of the family declared us as part of their family now. Maybe it was because Andy is so much stronger and leaving her was like leaving a friend I knew I would see again, not someone who needed me as much.



The way we parted left me with such peace. The last thing I saw was Andy's sweet smile and it made me know she is okay. I have always known she was strong, but to see it on her face in the final moments of our adoption week together made me also feel this in my heart.



Today my heart is full. I have a daughter more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. I have another Marshallese family to love. I have two boys who now have a sister they love and adore. I have a husband who I love to watch holding his little baby girl. I have so much love in my life and it makes me happy.



So goodbye my sweet Andy..... I love you and I love our daughter. I will raise her to know you and to love you. I cannot wait until we meet again.



Goodbye Arkansas... Goodbye my sweet Marshallese family...

Celebration!

Today was a day of celebration, yet a day that started with sadness.  I woke with a heavy heart realizing instantly it was my last day here in "little RMI".   It is custom to celebrate an adoption and we were planning lunch with the entire Alex family today. 

At 11:00 am we pulled into the Panda Chinese Restaurant.  Andy and Lani pulled in right behind us.  We started to gather at the front entrance.  Car after car pulled in and their Marshallese family joined us.  All totalled, their were about 30 family members there to celebrate Alani's adoption. 

As the family came to gather many of them gave us hugs.  As we made our way into the restaurant and asked for a "table for 30", they took us to a private room.  There they joined two rows of tables together and we prepared to join in a celebration meal together.  Before the meal, one of the Uncles/Grandfathers began to talk.  He stood up and addressed us all, telling us what a very, very special day this was.  This was a day of celebration and a day to join two families together forever.  He thanked us and showed his appreciation to us who were now part of his family.  He then gave me an opportunity to talk and I was so grateful to be able to show my love for Andy and her family and to express my gratitude for being welcomed into this family with open arms.

Their pastor and his wife had also come to join us in the celebration.  He said a beautiful Marshallese prayer.  Although I did not understand a word, I was praying right along with him.  Knowing God had orchestrated this moment, I did not need to speak the same language to be in prayer and thanksgiving and know what he was saying.

We then all ate and celebrated.  The kids played and their was a lot of laughter from adults and children alike.  As the meal was winding down, the head uncle again stood up.  He then gathered his entire family around us and told us they would like to sing several songs for us.  They were Marshallese songs to celebrate us gathering together.  Then they sang.  They sang the most beautiful songs and my heart was so full.  We are so blessed.  We then took a group picture together and sang one final song.  They asked us to line up in front of them and as they sang, each and every family member (adult and child) came through our line and hugged us and said thank you, God Bless or some other word of peace, gratitude or thanks.  It was extremely emotional.  I cannot express how blessed I feel and how surrounded in love I know that I am.  My family continues to grow and it knows no cultural or racial boundaries.  It is God's perfect love. 

As the day began to wind down, we went to the few local Marshallese stores to buy a few handicrafts. Andy and I picked out a beautiful necklace, earrings and bracelet for Alani when she is older.  It will be special to give it to her knowing her two mothers picked it out together.   Then later that evening Andy stopped by with more handicrafts from her aunt and uncle.  She also just informed me they have more handicrafts to bring us in the morning before we depart. 

They continue to give and give and give and show us their love.  They have already given us the most selfless gift, but they want us to see their love even more. 

My heart continues to be amazed by the Marshallese people.  I am so thankful that our lives have been forever intertwined with theirs.

A perfect moment

 
Do you ever have a moment in time you wish you could freeze?  A moment that is so perfect you couldn't have dreamed it could happen better? 

This past Wednesday we were sitting outside our hotel in their outdoor area.  It is such a nice place.  They have a netted basketball court, a small putting green and then beautiful outdoor couches and a fire pit.  They have tables and chairs and a huge grill.  This area is secluded and tucked in between the buildings.  We have enjoyed this area each and every night of our time here in Springdale.  It is the perfect area for the boys to just run and play and run off energy.  Chris and I can relax on the couches with Alani, while the boys expend some energy.

This past Wednesday we were waiting for Andy and Lani to arrive.  They were coming for dinner.  The hotel serves a free dinner to guests several nights a week.  Their family was planning to come eat with us anyway and the hotel said they were our family, so should eat with us, as well.

They were due to arrive any minute.  As we see their old silver car pull in my heart began to smile.  They pull into the parking spot and arms are waving out the windows to greet us.  Through the dark windshield I see Andy's smile.  Rickson runs down the sidewalk to greet them.  Lani smiles and Andy laughs.  Three of their kids came with them and it was a special time with just their immediate family. 

They bring us Marshallese gifts.  I receive a beautiful Marshallese dress (moo-moo) and Chris a matching Marshallese shirt.  I also receive several hair clips with flowers tied to them. I tell Andy that one day Alani can wear them, too.  Here in Arkansas they do not have access to Marshallese gifts and handicrafts like when on the island.  Here they cannot just make them, they have to buy them.  It is more of a sacrifice.  We expected nothing.  It strikes me that here they are giving us gifts after they have already given us the greatest gift of all.  Yet, they continue to give more and more. 

We ate dinner together and Andy held Alani. All the kids played basketball and golf and whatever other  game they could come up with.  Their two boys are 1 and 3.  Rickson is 2.  The three of them together are adorable!  They played with matchbox cars on the putting green.  Janet is 8 like Chase and she and the two of them played basketball and football.  Lani and Chris joined in, as well!  All the while Andy and I sat and watched while laughing and just being together. 

I took a step back and observed all that was happening around me.  I tried to take in the moment and make it last forever.  I knew it would pass all too quickly.  I have had such special experiences with the Marshall Islands. With Elina, it is more like a 35 year old daughter.  With Andy it is like a 25 year old friend.  Both situations are beautiful and perfect. 

Andy's family and my family just mesh together.  I have been so blessed.  I love our time together.  I love every moment.  As I sit here and write this now, I realize this special day I am writing about has passed and time is moving on.  I know our time is coming to an end and my heart is slowly breaking. 

I thank God for these blessing and these moments... these perfect moments in my life. 

She is our daugther!

It is 3:00 am and Alani is awake and so am I.  I couldn't go back to sleep even if I tried.  I cannot stop thinking about all the emotions running through my head. 

Today was court day!  Alani Elizabeth Emlynn Herrell is officially our daughter!  We arrived at court at 8:00 am to meet with our attorney.  The judge had a bad cold, so rather than have us do the proceedings in her small chambers she had us go in the courtroom so she wouldn't be too close to the baby.  The courtroom was big and beautiful, as has everything else been in Springdale.  It was a large wood courtroom and the three of us sat a the large table, while our attorney stood next to us.  The only other participants were the bailiff and judge.  Regardless of the formal decor and proceedings, everything proceeded so casually.

We were asked a few brief questions, all the documents were presented and Alani was declared our daughter.  I was filled with tears, but didn't have time to cry before they moved on to other things.   The judge and attorney were chatting about life and things moved on.  But life had changed for us in that instant!  We had a beautiful baby girl in arms that was now ours!  And nothing could change that!

Andy and Lani tried to make it to court to join us, but Lani works third shift and had just finished work.  I wanted them to be there, but selfishly, it took away the guilt that I would have had to carry if the transfer of her becoming our daughter had happened in front of them.  Instead I received a nice message from Andy telling me to enjoy our court day.  She would see me later.  What a selfless woman!

Chris and Alani and I then went to the clerks office with our attorney, filed paperwork and received our adoption decree.  The birth certificate was filed and we were free to go.  It amazed me how easy this process was in comparison to the international court proceedings for Rickson.

The three of us then spent some time driving around the University of Arkansas.  We took pictures of the campus and other areas in the Springdale area to add to Alani's life book.  We bought some Arkansas souvenirs to remember her Gotcha Day.  It couldn't have been a more perfect morning.

We came home and embraced our family.  My Mom and Dad have been here visiting from Cincinnati.  It has been amazing to go through this with them and have them see firsthand the Marshallese experience. 

Chase then complained about having to do his homework and our day moved on to normal. I couldn't ask for a more perfect normal...  I love my new new normal!  We are a family of five!

Welcome Alani, my baby girl!

Just another day in Arkansas

For the past 20 minutes I have been sitting watching Rickson care for his baby sister.  Alani has been sleeping in a  baby seat and Rickson has been sitting next to her on the floor tending to her needs.  He has been patting her, moving her hat out of her eyes and trying to give her a bottle while she sleeps.  He loves this little girl!

Chase asks to hold Alani numerous times each day.  After a few minutes of "playing" with her, he says he is done because she "just sits there".  Then later he will ask to hold her again.  He loves this little girl!

Yesterday Andy invited us over to her house.  It was an honor and not always an invitation that is extended.  We took the family pizzas for lunch and then sat with her.  She is recovering from her c-section, but doing well.  I immediately gave Alani to Andy to hold.  Several other family members were introduced that I had not previously met, including another "grandfather".  In their culture, uncles are also grandfathers.  She has at least two or more "grandfathers" here in Arkansas.  Alani was passed around from family member to family member.  They love this little girl!

I continue to struggle with how it is that I am so blessed with the life I have and witness so closely the struggle of others.  As I sat with Andy, I was experiencing the Marshall Islands in a totally different way.  The culture was the same, the poverty was the same, the kindness and love was the same, but just in a different location.  The kindness is truly overflowing.  Here we are... a family of four plus a baby that is all of ours.  We are invited into their home and accepted.  I have lost track of how many people live in this small duplex, but it is a lot.  Several families all under one roof.  Yet they bring us in and treat us as one of their own.  They sit and talk in Marshallese and I do not understand them.  Yet I know they include me.  They do not have to accept me, yet they choose to.  Andy made a choice and her family chooses to accept it.  The grandfathers, the aunties, the uncles, the cousins, the sisters and brothers.  They all accept her choice and in turn accept us.

Rickson has been a testament to them about our desire to keep this family close.  They are so interested in Rickson and his birthfamily.  They smile when they watch him.  I imagine it must be reassurance that Alani's situation will be the same.

This little girl has united so many lives and is loved by so many!

Alani Elizabeth Emlynn Herrell

Here are some pictures of little Alani.  She was born at 6:38pm, Saturday, September 8.  She weighed 4 lbs 15 oz and was 17 and 3/4 inches long.

 Sleeping back at the hotel

 The best big brothers!  As we pulled into the hotel Chase said "I get first!!!" - meaning he got to hold her before Rickson.  Rickson was more interested in feeding his baby sister so it worked out great!

 First picture with mommy - feeding Alani at the hospital

First picture with Daddy right after we arrived Sunday afternoon

Home Sweet Hotel...

I am not sure of my emotions tonight.  So many to try to explain... 

Instead, I will tell you what we are doing and about our day.  As I write this, Rickson is "sleeping" in his room.  His pack and play is apparently NOT strategically placed, as he keeps opening and shutting the bedroom door and flashing us a big smile. 

Chase is watching the Bengals game with Chris.  I am not sure who they are rooting for :)

Alani is sound asleep and looking adorable. 

We brought her home from the hospital today.  Both Alani and her birthmom were discharged.  We are here at the hotel enjoying some alone time for the first time. 

We also had to make a stop to purchase preemie clothes.  Pickings were slim.  Walmart had three fleece sleepers, which I purchased and two Halloween outfits.  Yes, I realize it is only September 10, but won't she look festive?  She is so tiny! 

Today was a day full of paperwork, social workers, legal responsibilities and emotions.  It was the first step of moving forward for me and for Andy.  I am so thankful for this new relationship with her.  I am thankful for the time we will spend together.  I am thankful for this gift she has given me.  I am thankful for Andy...

Hello Arkansas!

It is 8:00 pm local time and we just made it to the hotel.  Things are going great.  We are exhausted, but joyful!  In case you haven't heard, last night at about 5:30 we received a text from our Marshallese coordinator that Andy was heading to the hospital.  I called Andy and she said she was on her way, but not to worry.  She would "call me when she was better".  After talking to our attorney and the coordinator, they advised us to hold tight and wait until we knew if Andy was admitted before making the long drive to Arkansas.  After all with her new due date she was almost a month early.

In the meantime, I was frantically racing back to our house.  When I received the call, I was at Chase's fall baseball game.  Chris and Chase rushed to the office so he could wrap up some work things and I took Rickson and raced back home.  Our neighbor graciously agreed to watch Rickson so I could throw things in a suitcase.  We were ready... but not ready....

Mom and Dad headed down to our house to help us get pack and get out the door.  About 6:30 I found out that Andy had not only been admitted, but taken back for an emergency c-section.  Lani was so wonderful about keeping us informed.  At 8:30 I found out that Alani Elizabeth had been born.  She weighed 4 lbs 15 oz.  (at the time we were told 4 lbs).  She was doing great and so was Andy.

At 9:30 pm we were pulling out of the driveway with a haphazardly packed car.  But we were on our way.  We drove several hours and then stopped for the night.  Chris thought it would be best to stop along the way and not push it.  It turns out I think I slept about a total of 2 hours, so I may as well have driven us through the night. We woke up and got on the road at 7:30 this morning and made it to Arkansas at 3:30 local time.  Throughout our drive Lani kept sending us pictures of Alani.  It helped the drive go quicker.

Alani is the sweetest little thing I could have imagined.  When we walked in the room it looked as if a little doll was laying in Andy's lap.  I have never seen someone so tiny and precious.  We spent several hours at the hospital holding her and catching up with Lani and Andy.  It was amazing to watch Andy watching Rickson.  Such a neat connection we have.  They had more family than I could even count come up to the hospital to meet us.  We met Aunties and Uncles and cousins and nieces and nephews.  They all wanted to see us.  It was great.

So now we are back to the hotel.  We have settled in and are preparing for bed.  I think this will be our last night of good sleep for quite a while!  I plan to be back at the hospital at 8:30 tomorrow for the pediatrician visit.  Sweet dreams!

Until tomorrow...

My Little Orange Blossom...

As we decided on a name for our sweet baby girl, I was truly hoping our trip to Arkansas would culminate with a name decided upon by the birth family and us.  When I asked them what they would like to name her, the response was that they wanted us to choose.  My response was… I really wanted them to choose.  And so the name discussion began.  Lani has been the force behind the names of the other children and Andy smiles as she thinks how he has come up with each of them.  Lani explains how in their family they like to combine family names.  For this baby they thought maybe they could take part of his mothers name (Emwa) and part of her mothers name (Jo Jo Lynn) and combine them to form a name.  After much thinking on the fact that they like combined family names, I suggested combining their names!  What did they think?  Andy and Lani…. Alani.  They loved it.  Andy thought it was so cute and Lani was so happy.  It was settled!  Our baby girl would be Alani and named after her birth mother and father. 

This being said, I had always secretly hoped for a “Hawaiian” name of sorts.  But I didn’t feel I could choose that name.  So coming up with this name with them was beyond perfect.  When I returned home from Arkansas I went to the computer to look up the meaning of Alani.  I knew it was Hawaiian, but had no idea of it’s meaning.  I was happy to see that it was beautiful …  Hawaiian for “Orange Blossom”. 

But there is more to this story!  Many years ago when Chris and I had first talked about adoption and began to move in that direction, we started our journey in the country of Nepal.  Because of government laws, we would be adopting a baby girl.  Now we had just started this process, but I could not help myself when I was at the store and saw a cute Strawberry Shortcake doll.  She had beautiful brown skin and dark brown flowing hair.  I had to have her, so Chris and I purchased this beautiful doll.

As time went on it was clear that we would not be able to adopt from Nepal and the entire adoption program later went on to shut down.  We were, in turn, blessed to find the Marshall Islands and the rest is history!

But I kept that beautiful little doll with the beautiful brown skin tucked away.  When we began this new process of adopting Alani from Arkansas/Marshall Islands, I got that little doll back out.  She has been sitting in Alani’s nursery waiting for her since before we even dreamed of naming her.    

Oh… and the name of the Strawberry Shortcake Doll with the beautiful brown skin and brown flowing hair…  it is Orange Blossom. 

God continues to be in the details!

Pins and Needles...

This waiting game is hard. Now, let me acknowledge that we haven’t had to wait long at all! In fact, by the time the baby is born this is only going to be a total of about four months or so. That is incredible! But since I have met Andy and the due date is getting closer and closer, the anticipation has increased. I think about our baby and Andy every minute of the day. This week I bought a little pack n play from a neighbor. I have it up in the family room just waiting for her arrival. I don’t need to have it up, yet, but I can’t help it. Last night we brought up the bassinet that was mine as a baby and we then used with Chase. (Rickson never fit in it). The linens are washed and it is ready, too. Then I wonder how Andy is feeling. How is she today? Is she tired? Is she sleeping? Does she feel the baby is ready? Her hands are swollen and she doesn’t feel good. She felt good last week… what does that mean? Is the baby coming early?

When I was pregnant with Chase I “felt” when things were different. I knew if the baby had dropped. That meant I was close. The doctor gave me weekly updates. The meant I was close. Andy doesn’t see the doctor as often as I did and she doesn’t tell me all the details of her doctor appointments. That isn’t what she focuses on, so I don’t feel it is my right to ask. So I wonder… and I wait…

With Rickson, we weren’t matched with him until he was already born. So I didn’t have to wonder about his birth. Oh, I did have to wait for our travel date and that was HARD. But it is funny how those memories fade away, just as the memory of labor fades. But when you are in the moment like I am now, the wait is so hard.

So today… and tonight… and tomorrow… I am on pins and needles… and I wait and wait.

Oh, I can’t wait!

Quick Arkansas update...

I know I am past due and owe many of you an Arkansas update!! Well... Arkansas was amazing! It was 12 hours down, 24 hours there and 12 hours back. It was worth every minute! So, as you know, we met Andy and her husband and two boys the first evening. The following morning we planned to meet at 10:00 at the hotel. Andy was on American time and not Island time because she was there right on time! We hung out at the hotel and really spent time getting to know each other. I love Marshallese Bwebewnato - just sitting and “having conversation”. It is what Elina and I loved to do and still continue to do as often as we can even across the ocean! It was so nice to become instantly connected with Andy and be able to do this same thing! Then we went to lunch with Andy and Lani, their two boys and another Marshallese friend. The local Chinese buffet was the restaurant of choice and is now Chase’s new favorite! He later explained to Chris on the phone that “wow, it was all the food you could eat!!” A great introduction to the all you can eat buffet for Chase. After lunch it was back to the hotel for some swimming. And then I got to meet the rest of the family… and their friends… and their families… I believe it was a true Marshallese style swim party. As the ladies and I sat in the shade under the umbrellas, I just sat back and smiled. It was so amazing to be with my Marshallese friends and family again. Even though we had just met, I felt home! As we said goodbye until next time, I felt such peace and excitement. Not just for the baby that is to come, but also for this new relationship I am building and this new family I am gaining. God continues to bless me!

Meeting Andy

So it is Monday morning and I am supposed to be sleeping, but I can't. Here I am in Arkansas and all I can think about is Andy... And the adoption... And the baby... And what she is going through...  Last night we had our first meeting. Wow! It was amazing. We didn't know if we would get to see her, as it was late and she had church. Chase and I arrived at the hotel, got some dinner, settled in and even went swimming. With no way to make contact with her we finally decided she must not be coming. So I washed my face, pulled my hair back and put on my thick glasses. Since I forgot to pack pajamas for chase he was "sleeping" in his clothes. We were in for the night. Then the room phone rang. Andy was in the lobby! We rushed around the room, Chase was jumping up and down and we could hardly get out the door fast enough! We scrambled to the elevator and I tried to compose myself. She was just around the corner! I couldn't believe it! As we walked down the hall, I saw her. She flashed a huge smile and stood up to greet me. She was holding her youngest son, Joshua. He is one. We embraced and then she made introductions to her husband Lani, and three year old Brandon. It couldn't have gone better.  Now as I wake up early this morning with the anticipation of seeing her, I can't stop thinking about why our lives are now intertwined. It is breaking my heart once again to fall in love with this beautiful family that is in a situation where they must part with a child. She told me over and over how excited she was to meet me. She was happy I could speak some Marshallese. She laughed with me and made a lot of jokes (oh, is she funny!). But I am the one adopting her child. This joy is once again combined with sadness. I already love this woman and I barely even know her.

It's a.... GIRL!!!!

So... I know many of you have heard that we are adopting another baby! I have been hesitant to share or post because so much is unknown with a domestic adoption. But here I am in Springdale, Arkansas and I am ready to share. I will post more later on how this surprise adoption came to be, but for now I want you to meet Andy!

A Special Birthday Party...

As I sit here tonight I cannot seem to compose myself.  I just finished reading a message from a friend in RMI that let me know she talked to Elina.  I had been sad that we didn’t receive a call from her on Rickson’s birthday.  I knew it was also May Day (Marshallese Independence Day) so maybe things were just hectic or got busy.  But it still made me a little bit sad.  So tonight I get this message that said Elina wanted me to know her throat was hurt and she couldn’t talk so that is why she didn’t call us on his birthday.  The message also said that Elina had a birthday party for Rickson even though he wasn’t there.  She had many friends to her home and they had cake to celebrate Rickson!

How can I possibly process this?  All I can do is cry.  I feel like I am standing on the tarmac at the airport waving good-bye to her all over again.  I feel like my heart is being torn out of my chest.  She loves this little boy so much.  She gave him a different life.  A life she wanted for him to have.  But not a day goes by that she doesn’t make him part of her life.  She had a party for him and he wasn’t there?  Oh, my heart… my heart is breaking into a million pieces once again...  

I Just Saw Elina...

4/18/12

Today Rickson and I were taking a walk.  He loves to be in the stroller and walk around the neighborhood.  On our walk something made him laugh.  He looked up at me and put his hand over his mouth and laughed.  It took my breath away!  I just saw Elina!  In his eyes, in his laugh, in his expression… it was Elina.  I am so blessed to know his birth mother, to know her eyes, her laugh, her expression.  I am so blessed to see her in my son…

I will move...

I do not know if anyone reads my blog anymore.  But it brings me comfort to write.  I think that by now one would have expected me to have gone back to my “old self”, to have moved on.  But you can see from my blog posts that I am different inside.  Our adoption of Rickson and blending our family with that of Rickson’s birth family changed me in a way that has blessed me and has stayed with me in my heart and mind.  I will never be able to go back to the way it was.  I don’t think some people understand or think it should be this way.  It would be so much easier to just move on.  I do move on, but in a different way.  I move the way God is showing me.  I take with me what I learned and what I saw in the Marshall Islands and know I can do more.  I do not know what that is right now, but I am trying to be quiet and still and to listen.  God will show me. 

Last Sunday I had the pleasure of hearing Beth Guckenberger speak on adoption.  She has written a new book, “Tales of the Not Forgotten”.  As I read her book this week I wasn’t able to sleep.  I laid in my bed wrapped in my soft sheets and remembered the blog post I had written about Elina sleeping on the hard floor with no blanket, while I slept in my soft bed.  So this week as I tried to sleep I found myself in tears thinking of her and all she has taught me.  Elina faces trials every single day of her life.  But she has a strong faith. Her path of faith is a path of trials.  How can I not learn so much from that?

Today in church our pastor spoke about Moses and his trials.  He spoke of the faith of many and how it required them to move even when they weren’t comfortable, to move and be stretched.  So today I am ready to move.  I know the road ahead may not be easy.  I may question what God lays in front of me.  But I know God’s plan is perfect and He is able!  So I will move… I am blessed!