Life at Home

So, it is just after midnight and I can’t sleep. I just keep thinking of Elina. I have been home one full day now and when I stop and relax, (or try to go to bed) I just think about her. I wonder what she is doing “right now”. Is she sad, too? Is she thinking of me? It is the deepest kind of loss. She is still there, but we are separated by the vast ocean and so far away from our next bwebenato. I long to hug her and tell her I love her in person. We were so fortunate we were able to Skype today with Kim. What would I do without her? She is amazing. She has stepped in where I left off. She told me today that if we didn’t skype she thought her phone might blow up. Elina calls her every morning, afternoon and evening. I guess Elina feels the loss, too. Kim said Elina feels it not only for Rickson, but just as much for me, too. In such a short time we became so connected!

If I would have adopted from another country I wouldn’t have known the birthfamily. I would have a child with a family with no face. I would make up a story in my head. I would never know what they were like. I always thought that would be so hard. But now I know that knowing Elina and her family is hard, too. Not because of my time with them, but because of knowing them and having to leave them behind. I carry them with me each and every day, but long to have those moments back. It went too fast. I know I am in the right place with all my family, but I wish for Elina, my new family, to be with us, too. I don’t think she would like it here. It is so busy and fast. You don’t have enough time for bwebenato. She told me today she really misses playing bwebenato with me. The simple life is missing here. I hope all that I have learned from the wonderful Marshallese will stay with me forever and always remind me to slow down.

Tonight is a “campout” in our room. Chase, who spent a month sleeping in the same room with us in the Marshall Islands, has now decided he is scared to sleep in his room. Rickson sleeps in his little red travel bed (tent) right by our bed. Chase and his sleeping bag are right next to him on the floor tonight. Chris is not feeling well and has started on some antibiotics. At least I was used to the nighttime feeding and wake schedule by myself already. I just gave Rickson his last bottle and hope he will make it through the night (or at least until 4am).

I am doing fine back at home. My mom came down today and it was great to spend the day with her. I have missed her so much. I have all my laundry done and am working on unpacking (from the garage). We have left all the bags out there since we don’t want any Rodney’s that may have made it home with us to actually get in the house. We have meals starting tomorrow which will be great. The first thing I thought of this morning when I went downstairs for breakfast was “who will make my French toast or banana pancakes now that I’m not at the Tide Table”. I sure do have some wonderful memories. I am definitely still processing everything and have some good and sad moments. It hits me at different times. Today was hard since I was able to Skype with her. We both cried when we first saw each other. I know the sadness will ease with time, but I am not ready for that, yet. I want these memories to be clear.

Tomorrow I hope to post those street scenes I have been promising. And I guess as long as I can’t sleep at night (until my body realizes it is actually midnight now and not 4pm) I will keep posting.

So everyone, sleep tight…don’t let the bed bugs bite…(now I can say that and laugh since it doesn’t really happen anymore). Yokwe!