Pins and Needles...

This waiting game is hard. Now, let me acknowledge that we haven’t had to wait long at all! In fact, by the time the baby is born this is only going to be a total of about four months or so. That is incredible! But since I have met Andy and the due date is getting closer and closer, the anticipation has increased. I think about our baby and Andy every minute of the day. This week I bought a little pack n play from a neighbor. I have it up in the family room just waiting for her arrival. I don’t need to have it up, yet, but I can’t help it. Last night we brought up the bassinet that was mine as a baby and we then used with Chase. (Rickson never fit in it). The linens are washed and it is ready, too. Then I wonder how Andy is feeling. How is she today? Is she tired? Is she sleeping? Does she feel the baby is ready? Her hands are swollen and she doesn’t feel good. She felt good last week… what does that mean? Is the baby coming early?

When I was pregnant with Chase I “felt” when things were different. I knew if the baby had dropped. That meant I was close. The doctor gave me weekly updates. The meant I was close. Andy doesn’t see the doctor as often as I did and she doesn’t tell me all the details of her doctor appointments. That isn’t what she focuses on, so I don’t feel it is my right to ask. So I wonder… and I wait…

With Rickson, we weren’t matched with him until he was already born. So I didn’t have to wonder about his birth. Oh, I did have to wait for our travel date and that was HARD. But it is funny how those memories fade away, just as the memory of labor fades. But when you are in the moment like I am now, the wait is so hard.

So today… and tonight… and tomorrow… I am on pins and needles… and I wait and wait.

Oh, I can’t wait!

Quick Arkansas update...

I know I am past due and owe many of you an Arkansas update!! Well... Arkansas was amazing! It was 12 hours down, 24 hours there and 12 hours back. It was worth every minute! So, as you know, we met Andy and her husband and two boys the first evening. The following morning we planned to meet at 10:00 at the hotel. Andy was on American time and not Island time because she was there right on time! We hung out at the hotel and really spent time getting to know each other. I love Marshallese Bwebewnato - just sitting and “having conversation”. It is what Elina and I loved to do and still continue to do as often as we can even across the ocean! It was so nice to become instantly connected with Andy and be able to do this same thing! Then we went to lunch with Andy and Lani, their two boys and another Marshallese friend. The local Chinese buffet was the restaurant of choice and is now Chase’s new favorite! He later explained to Chris on the phone that “wow, it was all the food you could eat!!” A great introduction to the all you can eat buffet for Chase. After lunch it was back to the hotel for some swimming. And then I got to meet the rest of the family… and their friends… and their families… I believe it was a true Marshallese style swim party. As the ladies and I sat in the shade under the umbrellas, I just sat back and smiled. It was so amazing to be with my Marshallese friends and family again. Even though we had just met, I felt home! As we said goodbye until next time, I felt such peace and excitement. Not just for the baby that is to come, but also for this new relationship I am building and this new family I am gaining. God continues to bless me!

Meeting Andy

So it is Monday morning and I am supposed to be sleeping, but I can't. Here I am in Arkansas and all I can think about is Andy... And the adoption... And the baby... And what she is going through...  Last night we had our first meeting. Wow! It was amazing. We didn't know if we would get to see her, as it was late and she had church. Chase and I arrived at the hotel, got some dinner, settled in and even went swimming. With no way to make contact with her we finally decided she must not be coming. So I washed my face, pulled my hair back and put on my thick glasses. Since I forgot to pack pajamas for chase he was "sleeping" in his clothes. We were in for the night. Then the room phone rang. Andy was in the lobby! We rushed around the room, Chase was jumping up and down and we could hardly get out the door fast enough! We scrambled to the elevator and I tried to compose myself. She was just around the corner! I couldn't believe it! As we walked down the hall, I saw her. She flashed a huge smile and stood up to greet me. She was holding her youngest son, Joshua. He is one. We embraced and then she made introductions to her husband Lani, and three year old Brandon. It couldn't have gone better.  Now as I wake up early this morning with the anticipation of seeing her, I can't stop thinking about why our lives are now intertwined. It is breaking my heart once again to fall in love with this beautiful family that is in a situation where they must part with a child. She told me over and over how excited she was to meet me. She was happy I could speak some Marshallese. She laughed with me and made a lot of jokes (oh, is she funny!). But I am the one adopting her child. This joy is once again combined with sadness. I already love this woman and I barely even know her.

It's a.... GIRL!!!!

So... I know many of you have heard that we are adopting another baby! I have been hesitant to share or post because so much is unknown with a domestic adoption. But here I am in Springdale, Arkansas and I am ready to share. I will post more later on how this surprise adoption came to be, but for now I want you to meet Andy!

A Special Birthday Party...

As I sit here tonight I cannot seem to compose myself.  I just finished reading a message from a friend in RMI that let me know she talked to Elina.  I had been sad that we didn’t receive a call from her on Rickson’s birthday.  I knew it was also May Day (Marshallese Independence Day) so maybe things were just hectic or got busy.  But it still made me a little bit sad.  So tonight I get this message that said Elina wanted me to know her throat was hurt and she couldn’t talk so that is why she didn’t call us on his birthday.  The message also said that Elina had a birthday party for Rickson even though he wasn’t there.  She had many friends to her home and they had cake to celebrate Rickson!

How can I possibly process this?  All I can do is cry.  I feel like I am standing on the tarmac at the airport waving good-bye to her all over again.  I feel like my heart is being torn out of my chest.  She loves this little boy so much.  She gave him a different life.  A life she wanted for him to have.  But not a day goes by that she doesn’t make him part of her life.  She had a party for him and he wasn’t there?  Oh, my heart… my heart is breaking into a million pieces once again...  

I Just Saw Elina...

4/18/12

Today Rickson and I were taking a walk.  He loves to be in the stroller and walk around the neighborhood.  On our walk something made him laugh.  He looked up at me and put his hand over his mouth and laughed.  It took my breath away!  I just saw Elina!  In his eyes, in his laugh, in his expression… it was Elina.  I am so blessed to know his birth mother, to know her eyes, her laugh, her expression.  I am so blessed to see her in my son…

I will move...

I do not know if anyone reads my blog anymore.  But it brings me comfort to write.  I think that by now one would have expected me to have gone back to my “old self”, to have moved on.  But you can see from my blog posts that I am different inside.  Our adoption of Rickson and blending our family with that of Rickson’s birth family changed me in a way that has blessed me and has stayed with me in my heart and mind.  I will never be able to go back to the way it was.  I don’t think some people understand or think it should be this way.  It would be so much easier to just move on.  I do move on, but in a different way.  I move the way God is showing me.  I take with me what I learned and what I saw in the Marshall Islands and know I can do more.  I do not know what that is right now, but I am trying to be quiet and still and to listen.  God will show me. 

Last Sunday I had the pleasure of hearing Beth Guckenberger speak on adoption.  She has written a new book, “Tales of the Not Forgotten”.  As I read her book this week I wasn’t able to sleep.  I laid in my bed wrapped in my soft sheets and remembered the blog post I had written about Elina sleeping on the hard floor with no blanket, while I slept in my soft bed.  So this week as I tried to sleep I found myself in tears thinking of her and all she has taught me.  Elina faces trials every single day of her life.  But she has a strong faith. Her path of faith is a path of trials.  How can I not learn so much from that?

Today in church our pastor spoke about Moses and his trials.  He spoke of the faith of many and how it required them to move even when they weren’t comfortable, to move and be stretched.  So today I am ready to move.  I know the road ahead may not be easy.  I may question what God lays in front of me.  But I know God’s plan is perfect and He is able!  So I will move… I am blessed!